What would you say is the number one problem for marriages? What is the number one problem that people who are married face? Just take a minute and think about it.
Now read this and see if you change your answer.
James 4:1-3 NKJV
1 Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? 2 You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.
Now read it from the Message paraphrase
James 4:1-3 The Message (MSG)
1-2 Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.
2-3 You wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
OUCH!!! We are talking about Selfishness here. Selfishness… that attitude of being concerned with your own interests above the interests of others. That is the number one problem people who are married face and the reason is that all other marital problems are a result of selfishness and, quite honestly we are ALL selfish people! EVERY one of us. We are born selfish AND we are constantly influenced by a culture that teaches selfishness. It happens from the time we are little children. Most people say that the first word a child speaks is “MAMA” or “DADA.” Thats not true though. The first word most children learn is “MINE” and they learn to pronounce it better than any other word. And the problem is that many people never grow out of that. And then they go and get married. And a whole lot of people when they get married, they view it as a way to get their needs met… we want you to think about this. Selfishness PROMOTES self, PROTECTS self and PROVIDES FOR self. This describes the stronghold of selfishness in our lives. But here is the problem with that. God is the One Who is supposed to promote us and protect us and provide for us. And so when selfishness is trying to promote and protect and provide, it is taking the place of God and that is exactly what selfishness does. And so when a person goes into marriage with those objectives, and then someday they realize their spouse isn’t meeting those needs, well you know what happens.
Now, looking out for our own interests is natural. In fact, Jesus uses our innate self-interest as a basis for gauging our love for others when He said, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31). In other words, in the same way that you (naturally) love yourself, learn to love others.
So how do we do what Jesus said? How do we love our spouse the way we naturally love ourselves? How do we avoid selfishness and look out for our spouses interests above our own?
We are going to give you 2 things straight from God’s alive and active Word that will help you avoid selfishness. OK?
1. Be thankful to God
Psalm 107:1-2
1 Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever.
2 Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the enemy,
8 Oh, that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!
9 For He satisfies the longing soul, And fills the hungry soul with goodness.
There is an interesting thing about thankfulness. When there is an absence of thankfulness what is left behind? When you don’t give thanks what will you be doing? There is a vacuum spiritually. And since there is no place between thankful and UN thankful, what will fill that vacuum? There is UN thankfulness. And that leads to self-pity. But if you are thankful. If you give thanks to the Lord for His goodness and His wonderful works, what does it say? He satisfies the longing soul, and fills the hungry soul with goodness. Thats the key! Think about this. That last verse there talks about the longing soul and the hungry soul. Its talking about the selfish desires. We talked about selfishness promoting, protecting and providing for itself and taking the place of God. If we just thank God and acknowledge His promotion, protection and provision that is how we can avoid the number one problem facing married couples today!
Alright the second thing is this.
2. Give to your spouse.
Giving is the opposite of acting selfishly. And it is the ultimate demonstration of love.
John 3:16 says what? For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.
Jesus said it this way. “Give, and it will be given to you:good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over will be put into your bosom.
So begin to give to your spouse. It’s like making investments in your marriage. Give your spouse time, affection, gracious words, respect, love. In fact, we talked about this at other UNITEDs. Its completely biblical to give your spouse the very thing that you desire. Make investments in your marriage. Get excited because you just learned the second part to how we can avoid the number one problem facing married couples today! Give.
