Whether we’ve been married for one day or one decade, one of the most important skills for a married couple to learn is how to navigate through conflict and bring it to resolution. We aren’t aware of any marriage, including our own that is free from disagreements so everyone who is married or plans to be someday can benefit from better conflict resolution skills. Conflict is normal in every relationship, so if we expect to have a marriage that endures, it is vital that we learn to come to a peaceful resolution with our spouse.
When conflict happens, people react in different ways. A natural reaction for some is anger. Others would rather escape all the emotions that come with resolving the issue and their response is avoidance. Disagreements will happen in our marriage but they don’t have to lead to hurtful arguments. No matter what our natural response may be, there is a better way to handle conflict. We have the wisdom of God for conflict resolution given to us in the Bible.
Just like when we are faced with any other trial in our lives, rather than trying to figure it out for ourselves, we should always look to the God and His infinite wisdom for guidance on how to navigate through any situation. We are told in
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NKJV)
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
When we trust God instead of ourselves and acknowledge Him, He guides us. So we made the Word of God the basis of this process we are about to share with you. We want to use His wisdom to show us the way out of our marriage disputes.
Before we get into rolling up our sleeves and resolving the conflict, let’s look at are few things that we, as couples, should remind ourselves of, before we attempt to resolve any disagreement. These are what we will call conflict resolution pre-requisites:
A crucial first step to make resolving a conflict much easier is for us and our spouse to agree on a conflict resolution process ahead of time. Laying down these rules of engagement during peacetime, before there is any conflict and before there are any flaring emotions, is much easier. Both husband and wife will be able to think more clearly and the essential component is the agreement. In
Amos 3:3 (NKJV)
The Word of God asks us, 3 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?
How else can we as married couples move forward? There is great power in the agreement of a husband and a wife. So agree on this process outside of the heat of the moment, before any conflicts arise. Then stick to it.
In Romans 12:18 (NKJV)
The Word of God tells us, 18If it is possible, as much as it depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
When there is a conflict, and yes there will be conflict, be the first one to say, “Hey, we’re obviously not seeing eye to eye here. Let’s work this out.” We just heard the Bible tell us as much as it depends on us, so as soon as possible, make the first move in the restoration process and then work together at resolving the conflict. Whether we’re the one who is hurt or the one who has done the hurting, we should make it a point to be the one that initiates the healing process.
Additionally, it is important to have an open mind as we go through the resolution process. We cannot have a closed-mind when resolving conflict. Saying, “I am not backing down on this!” will just stop the progress towards a resolution.
Also, up front, the objective of our process has to be to resolve the disagreement. We can’t come into the conflict resolution process to determine who was right. It is not about who is right. The more important thing is to do what is right.
We are told in Proverbs 21:3 (NIV)
3 To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice.
In the end, our goal should be to save our marriage. And it is worth saving. People are depending on us. It is the right thing to do.
Once these prerequisites are settled, the process can begin.
1. We suggest having the spouse who has suffered the offense speak first. If it is not obvious who was the offender and who was offended, then be the more mature person and give preference to our spouse. Let them speak first.
In Romans 12:10 (NKJV)
We are told 10 Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another;
Allowing our spouse to speak first is an immediate act of love that helps to set the tone for the whole process.
2. Whoever is doing the speaking must consider the following guidelines from the scriptures.
In Ephesians 4:15 (NKJV)
It says 15 but speaking the truth in love may grow up in all things into him who is the head-Christ.
Remember to speak the truth in love. Love NEVER fails.
And in Galatians 6:1 (NKJV)
The Word of God tells us, 1 Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted.
Spiritually mature people restore others gently! They also consider themselves. This means we should look hard in the mirror and think about what we could have done differently to prevent the situation. We have found that in almost every case where we have talked to couples about a marriage conflict there is not just one spouse responsible for the situation but rather both spouses could have done things differently to prevent it.
In Matthew 7:3 (NKJV)
Jesus Himself asked us, 3And why do you look at the speck in your brothers eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye.
Jesus told us that before we point out the little teeny tiny piece of sawdust in our brother’s eye we should first get the big board out of our own eye. Isn’t He right though? We tend to magnify our spouse’s part in the problem, which many times is the lesser part, and make it look bigger in order to minimize our part in the problem, which many times is the bigger part.
In Proverbs 15:4 (NKJV)
It says 4 a wholesome tongue is a tree of life but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Use a wholesome tongue when communicating in this process. Be careful what you say, how you say it, when you say it, if you say it. Communicate facts and not judgment. Phrase your communications like this. “When you_______, it means this to me.”
3. Whoever is doing the listening must consider the following guidelines from the scriptures.
When our spouse is doing the talking, we should listen attentively. For most of us, this next one won’t come naturally but, when we are resolving conflicts and we are on the listening end, we have to avoid justifying our own behavior. When our spouse points out some negative behavior, what they say will likely make you feel like defending yourself. Don’t say, “I have a right to feel this way” or “I did it because you did…” We must not let those thoughts enter our mind or let those words come out of our mouth. These are selfish thoughts.
In 1 Corinthians 13:5 Â (NKJV)
When talking about Love, the Bible tells us that Love, 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;
Self-justification is seeking our own and that is not acting in a loving manner.
Next, In Proverbs 15:28 (NKJV)
We are told that, 28 The heart of the righteous studies how to answer but the mouth of the wicked pours forth evil.
Before we answer, we have to carefully consider the words we are about to say. Studying how to answer means asking ourselves, “Are the words I am about to speak going to help resolve the conflict, or make things worse?” Once you say them you can’t take them back, so use words that will help the situation.
In Proverbs 15:1 (NKJV)
It says, 1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
And in Ephesians 4:29 (NKJV)
It says, 29 Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.
It’s easy to lose our cool when conflict escalates. We are all human and even the most spiritual person still has their flesh to contend with. No matter how hard it seems, remain calm. It is possible. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
4. If things get too escalated it’s OK to take a break, but don’t quit. This step can only be taken after the husband and wife agree on a time to resume.
As we work through the conflict, we may try and try with no success and it may appear that there is no progress towards a resolution. The wife might be thinking, “I am not getting what I need out of this.” And the husband might be thinking, “I am not getting what I need and I don’t know what else to do. I have tried everything to please her.” It sounds a lot like this verse in the Bible.
Proverbs 28:3 (NKJV)
3 A poor man who oppresses the poor is like a driving rain which leaves no food.
This is talking about the person who has nothing going after the person who has nothing to give. Now compare this to an unresolved conflict between a husband and a wife where the wife feels like she is receiving no love from her husband. She is empty and she just wants to feel loved. And because she is empty, she just might be a little disrespectful. But on the other side you have the husband who just wants a little respect. He is empty and just wants to feel respected. And because he is empty, he just might be a little unloving. You have a person who is not being loved, pulling, drawing and leeching on someone who does not have any love to give. And you have another person who is not being respected, pulling, drawing and leeching on someone who does not have any respect to give. What do you end up with? Two people are taking and no one is giving. In that kind of a situation, there is nothing to receive.
But we can find a way out of this in the Word of God too. How do we resolve a marriage problem that seems like it is going nowhere? Make investments into what you have. How do we get out of this situation? Give. The Bible says give and it will be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over.
5. If the Word of God shows us that we are doing something wrong, we need to be quick to repent and then fix it.
Matthew 4:17 (NKJV)
17 From that time Jesus began to preach and to say, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.”
True repentance is not, “I feel bad” or “I am sorry.” It is a new way of thinking, thinking differently. It is a change of mind. It is to turn or change your mind and go in a different direction. We need to turn and go a different way. Right thinking gets us to a place we need to be. Wrong thinking gets us to a place that we don’t need to be.
As the process continues, remember, it’s not about who is right, it is about what is right. We should be willing to receive correction.
In Proverbs 12:1 (NKJV)
We read that, 1 Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
6. The next big step in the conflict resolution process is when we admit our trespass and then we apologize and ask our spouse to forgive us. Most people honestly do have good intentions. They really do want to resolve conflict and, most people would rather not have the conflict at all. But when conflict comes, the tough part is going to be admitting when we are at fault. It’s not the comfortable thing to do, but if it will save our marriage, why avoid it?
7. At this point husband and wife should agree on consequences, if they are necessary. And if there are consequences, be responsible enough to accept our responsibility for them.
When we get this far we are almost to the point of having things resolved. The next necessary point is this. If our spouse sincerely apologizes to us, the Bible tells us clear instructions on what is next.
In Luke 6:37 (NKJV)
We are told, 37Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
We are to forgive so that we will be forgiven.
And in 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 (NKJV)
It says 5 But if anyone has caused grief, he has not grieved me, but all of you to some extent not to be too severe. 6 This punishment which was inflicted by the majority is sufficient for such a man, 7 so that, on the contrary, you ought rather to forgive and comfort him, lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow. 8 Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love to him. 9 For to this end I also wrote, that I might put you to the test, whether you are obedient in all things.10 Now whom you forgive anything, I also forgive. For if indeed I have forgiven anything, I have forgiven that one[a] for your sakes in the presence of Christ, 11 lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices.
8. Forgive the repentant and reaffirm your love.
This may be difficult for some of us too. Our spouse may have caused us some serious pain. Forgiving doesn’t make them right, it just makes us free. Forgive them and move on. God does not remember our sins because of what Jesus did for us.
Hebrews 10:17 (NKJV)
17 then He adds, “Their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.”
9. Don’t bring things back up once you have forgiven them.
Don’t look back and don’t ever bring it up again. Bringing it up again is like pulling the scab off of wound. It just stops the healing process.
10. Finally, pray together and ask God for help to restore things. He has the power to heal.
Family Face Ministries
www.familyfaceministries.org
THANKS DINO AND JODI
Absolutely loved the marriage class that you guys taught! Having homework that teaches us to read and pray together is life changing! Also the conflict resolution has helped improve our argueing so much; setting consequences for bad behavior has really made both of us stop and think before we speak or act badly. Thank you guys for what you do. God truly does speak and work through you. It’s apparent to me that through you He will touch and heal many families! Keep up the great work! God bless you all
Pat and Eva Blair