A story of Audrey who is trusting God while her husband battles addiction.
I found myself these past few months struggling as I witnessed how much my husband who loves God is struggling with tormenting pain of not living his purpose as he attempts to mask the pain with alcohol. Although I ‘love’ the fact that he shares his feelings, opens up more and is more endearing when he does drink, I disdain and despise both the smell and how it changes him into someone he is not – I know it sounds crazy, a conundrum of sorts. However it was that defining moment when I saw him drinking a fifth of whiskey yet again, I had finally reached my ‘I’ve had enough’ point, and clearly not yielding to the Holy Spirit and what He produces and directs me to do. Instead, I found myself yielding to what I produce – and O goodness, that is not much at all! I allowed myself to surrender to ‘self’ and when I let go of God’s power producing patience, all hope was gone – it was over – Audrey had enough!
Instead of going to God, like I knew I needed to, it was the moment I will never forget. While my husband was outside in the backyard relaxing by the firepit, enjoying the star lit sky – I looked over my shoulder and through the window to made sure he was still out there. I grabbed the bottle filled with whiskey, and as I stood there with the bottle in my hand I distinctly heard that small voice in my ‘belly’ say, “You don’t trust Me, do you?” And out loud I defiantly answered, “Nope, I don’t!” And without repentance I poured three-quarters of the bourbon out and then proceeded to fill it up with water. I was so angry. I had those thoughts going through my head, “God! I’ve been praying and seeing no results!” That is when I knew I was yielding to a spirit – but it was clearly NOT THE HOLY SPIRIT – it was the spirit of manipulation – control – witchcraft. As soon as I realized what I was allowing myself to yield to, I felt conviction and I was truly sorry; but now what was I to do?
My thoughts were interrupted as I stood in the kitchen doing dishes, when I heard the sliding glass door open. My husband walked around the island to the counter and picked up that bottle of ‘watered down’ whiskey. He opened the cork, and now at this point, I was sweating bullets but acting like I knew nothing. Screaming on the inside in sheer panic, I saw that bottle tilt up into his mouth as he took two swigs and his face said it all! Oh no! I panicked as he quickly swallowed the new blend of even more nastiness. You could see disgust come over him as he pulled that bottle down quickly, as he shouted, “Who messed with this?” My husband looked at our beautiful teenage daughter as he knows she is bothered by the drinking – and then I quickly interrupted with a nervous giggle, “It was me.” He said, “Audrey, are you kidding? That was a waste of twenty-five dollars“ And then our daughter said, “Well dad, maybe you ought to put the twenty-five dollars somewhere else.” That was the moment I realized that even though she may have been ‘right’, my distrust in God was leading our daughter to step over the promises of God for her ‘mere’ rights by showing disrespect to her dad. Right there, I remembered that voice from earlier and this time instead of being defiant I became sorrowful with repentance.
I am very happy that my husband did not get angry, he just mockingly laughed and said, “O Audrey, you’re being religious.” As I heard his jolting response, I could see that in every realm it was like a domino effect – I was allowing my husband, who was not going to God with his pain, to move me into not trusting God and in turn that led our daughter to dishonor her dad, which revealed the vicious cycle of accusations of him calling me ‘religious’ that was when I knew it needed to stop. If it was not going to stop on my husband’s part, I could not allow his actions to stop me from trusting in our Father God. This scenario reminded me of the famous quote, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practise to deceive!” – Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.
As I deceived myself because of leaning on my mere understanding, it revealed that part of my heart wanted to trust in God, but it was obvious that my whole heart was not there; which hinders me from the path that God wants me to remain…and that is in HIM. Yes! It is the road less traveled, and the road is called Trust. God’s Word says in Proverbs 3:5, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
In John 8:31-32 it is recorded, “Then Jesus said to those Jews who believed Him, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” This is the reminder – it is the PERSON Who is Truth, our Jesus Who makes and sets us free. The Truth of God’s Word sets us free from something – and that something is deception. God’s Word, God’s Truth frees us and causes the chains to break and fall off!
The beautiful reminder in all of this is to not allow ourselves to be controlled and influenced by unbelief and doubt any longer! We get to trust in The Lord. I reveal my trust in HIM by being quick to obey His Word. It is beautiful to remember that God is with each of us…He hears our prayers and He is directing our path – now it is up to each of us to stay on that path by trusting HIM. Trust allows us to say and live, “I’ve had enough of my ways – I want and desire your ways God!”
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